The Conversations We Don’t Realise We’re Having

Understanding the Parent, Adult and Child in our communication

Recently, I found myself revisiting a concept that I often speak about with clients — the idea of adult–adult conversations.

Many of us know the feeling of wanting a calm, mature conversation but somehow ending up in something that feels defensive, emotional or tense. What starts as a simple discussion suddenly turns into frustration, withdrawal or conflict. This idea comes from Transactional Analysis, developed by Eric Berne, which suggests that we communicate from three different internal states:

• Parent

• Adult

• Child

I work quite often with the Adult and Child states with clients. Those are usually easy to recognise. But when I recently spent more time reflecting on the Parent state, I realised something interesting — I hadn’t fully sat with it before.

The more controlling or authoritative side of the Parent state didn’t sit comfortably with me at first. I think many of us would rather not see ourselves in that role. But reflection often invites honesty. And the truth is that we all move between these states at different times. The important thing is not judgement.  It’s awareness.

One of the biggest misunderstandings about this model is thinking that people are a Parent, Adult or Child personality. That’s not the case.   We move between these states depending on the situation. You might communicate as a calm Adult in your workplace, but become reactive in Child state with a partner when you feel hurt. You might slip into Parent when giving advice to a friend or correcting a colleague. Different environments, relationships and triggers bring out different parts of us.  Understanding this gives us something incredibly valuable - choice. Because once we recognise the state we’re in, we can begin to shift it.

The goal is not to eliminate the Parent or Child. Both exist for a reason.   But the Adult state is where real conversations happen.

A Simple Way to Recognise the Different Ego States

	Parent	Child	Adult
Energy	Controlling, correcting, certain	Emotional, reactive, defensive or needy	Calm, grounded, present
Core Belief	“I know what’s right.”	“I need to be seen or defended.”	“We are both responsible here.”
Typical Language	“You should…” “That’s not how you do it.”	“You never…” “It’s not fair.”	“I feel…” “Help me understand…”
Focus	Correcting or protecting	Expressing emotion or defending	Understanding and resolving
Power Dynamic	One-up	One-down or reactive	Equal
Outcome	Resistance or dependency	Escalation or shutdown	Connection and clarity

 How Conversations Shift Between States

Many conflicts follow a predictable pattern.

Someone speaks from Parent:

“You should have handled that differently.”

The other person moves into Child:

“Why are you always criticising me?”

Very quickly, the conversation becomes emotional rather than constructive.

Sometimes it even becomes Child–Child, where both people react from hurt or defensiveness.

“You never listen.”

“Well maybe you should stop complaining.”

At this point, nobody is listening. Everyone is reacting.

What Adult–Adult Communication Looks Like

Adult communication sounds very different.  It focuses on responsibility rather than blame.

Instead of:

“You’re always late.”

An Adult response might be:

“When you arrived late today I felt frustrated. Can we talk about how we manage time going forward?”

It doesn’t remove emotion. It simply expresses it with awareness.  Adult communication keeps both people equal in the conversation.

The Key Question: How Do We Return to Adult?

The reality is that we will all slip into Parent or Child at times. That’s part of being human.

The practice is recognising it and gently bringing ourselves back to Adult.

Here are some simple ways to do that.

1. Pause before responding

Adult lives in the pause.

When you feel yourself reacting emotionally, take a breath before replying.

Ask yourself:  Am I reacting, or responding?

2. Notice your language

Our words often reveal the state we’re in.

Parent language often sounds like:

• “You should…”

• “That’s not right.”

Child language often sounds like:

• “You never…”

• “It’s not fair.”

Adult language sounds like:

• “I feel…”

• “Help me understand…”

Simply shifting language can change the tone of a conversation dramatically.

3. Take ownership of your feelings

Adult communication uses ownership rather than accusation.

Instead of:

“You made me feel small.”

Try:

“I felt small in that moment.”

This small shift removes blame and opens the door to understanding.

4. Regulate before continuing

If emotions are running high, it’s okay to pause the conversation.

Adult communication sometimes sounds like this:

“I want to talk about this, but I need a little time to gather my thoughts first.”

Taking space is often far more productive than continuing a reactive conversation.

A Small Practice for This Week

If this concept is new to you, try this simple awareness exercise.

Over the next few days, notice your conversations and ask yourself:

• When do I slip into Child?

• When do I step into Parent?

• What does my Adult voice sound like?

You might even notice that different people trigger different states in you.  That awareness alone can begin to shift how you communicate.

A Final Thought

The goal isn’t to be perfect.   The goal is to become aware of the part of ourselves that is speaking. Because the moment we recognise it, we create the possibility of something different.

And often, the most powerful shift we can make in any conversation is simply this:  Return to our Adult.